(# Fanfare pIays)
- This is so beautifuI. - You know it, Gary.
Look at her.
- Do you know what I wouId Iike to do? - Shower with them.
Then...bang. We hit the city, baby. Dead on.
LittIe drinks, IittIe night Iife, IittIe dancing.
- Dancing. - We throw a huge party. Huge party!
Everybody's invited. Women everywhere.
AII these girIs, they're aII there.
- Naked bodies everywhere... - Gary. Gary!
- What? - Nobody Iikes us. Nobody.
Why are you messing with the fantasy?
We know about the reaIity. Don't ruin the fantasy, OK?
(Gary) And then, we're hip, man. We're popuIar. We're revered.
We're studs.
When the smoke cIears, right...
...those two dames
faII amazingIy, compIeteIy and totaIIy in Iove with us, Wyatt.
(Gary) Check it out.
(Voices beIIow) Yo! Check us out.
(Pounding heartbeat)
Look, we're sorry about...
(# OINGO BOINGO: ''Weird Science'')
# She's aIive!
# AIive! Weird science!
# Weird
# Ooh!
# Weird science
# PIastic tubes and pots and pans
# Bits and pieces And magic from the hand
# We're makin' Weird science! Ooh!
# Things I've never seen before
# Behind boIted doors TaIent and imagination
# My creation!
# Is it reaI?
# It's my creation!
# I do not know
# No hesitation
# No heart of goId
# Just fIesh and bIood
# I do not know I do not know
# From my heart and from my hand
# Why don't peopIe understand
# My intentions
# Ooh ooh ooh! Weird science! Ooh!
# Ooh!
# Weird science
# Things I've never seen before
# Behind boIted doors
# Weird science
# Bits and pieces And bits and pieces
# Science Weird... #
(TV) 'His insane ambition to create Iife...'
- Where did your parents go? - (Wyatt) Cincinnati.
To meet the guy that my sister wants to marry.
ChIoe. Who the heII wouId marry ChIoe?
He's studying to be a vet.
Try not to make a mess. The maid doesn't come untiI Monday.
How come your parents suddenIy trust you? They never Iet you do shit.
Chet's home from coIIege. They trust him. He's in charge.
Chet? Oh, shit! I can't beIieve this.
I reaIIy wish you'd toId me that before I agreed to sIeep over.
- How do you put up with him? - If I don't he beats the shit out of me.
It's a habit he got in miIitary schooI.
(Gary) How do you put up with him? (Wyatt) He's very protective.
Nice reIationship!
'Look, there's nothing to fear.
'Note - no bIood, no decay... just a few stitches.
'Go on, fix the eIectrodes.
'You'II be afraid before the night's over.
'The storm wiII be magnificent.
'AII the eIectricaI secrets of heaven.
'This time we're ready, eh, Fritz?
'Let's have one finaI test. Throw the switches.
'Here in this machine, I have discovered the great ray
'that first brought Iife into the worId.
'And Iook. Here's the finaI touch.
'The brain you stoIe, Fritz.
'Think of it. The brain of a dead man
'waiting to Iive again in a body I made with my own hands.
- That's not a bad idea. - (Wyatt) What?
Making a girI.
ActuaIIy making a girI.
Just Iike Frankenstein...
...except cuter.
- You're serious? - Yes.
Look me in the eyes. Do I Iook serious?
- (Fritz) 'You're crazy!' - 'We'II see whether I'm crazy or not.'
Gary WaIIace, that's absoIuteIy gross. That's sick.
I'm not digging up dead girIs...
No, I'm not taIking about digging up a dead girI, Wyatt!
I'm taIking about your computer.
(Gary) You can simuIate stuff on your computer.
You know? What's the difference? Why can't we simuIate a girI?
I don't know. I guess I couId, but why?
It's two dimensionaI on the screen. It's not fIesh and bIood.
I know that, but we can use it. We can ask it questions.
We can put it in sexuaI situations. Sick, demented shit. You'd Iove it!
What about your girI in Canada?
She Iives in Canada. The girI has no moraIs!
Those kind of reIationships are rough.
Anyway. Get to work.
Very nice.
I toId you, Wyatt. If there's one thing I know, it's femaIe stats.
Anything bigger than a handfuI, you're risking a sprained thumb.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Perfect. - OK, now what?
ShouId we give her a brain?
- Yeah, we can pIay chess with her. - Chess?
Just give her a brain, OK.
OK, that's about aII we can do with my stuff.
I can't beIieve this shit. I can't beIieve this.
- Did you get a free toaster with this? - Gary, it's smarter than you.
The probIem is this is a Iame idea.
It is not. Your computer is a wimp!
- We need more power than this. - What do you suggest?
(Radio chatter)
(Screams)
- We're in. - We're in troubIe. This is iIIegaI.
(Gary) We need more. We've got to fiII this with data.
We've got to make her as reaI as possibIe.
I want her to Iive, I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicise!
'Live. AII Dave, aII night.
'We know what you need. OnIy right here on Dave TV.'
It's moving, it's working. It's working by itseIf.
(Incoherent chanting)
Gary?
Why are we wearing bras on our heads?
CeremoniaI.
(Thunder rumbIes)
- You ready? - Yep. Let's go.
(Thunderous roar)
- Turn it off. - It is off.
(Hissing)
(AIarm rings)
(YeIIs) Hang up the phone!
- What's going on? - I don't know.
- UnpIug it. - OK.
Oh, shit!
(Whirring)
No, it was a birthday present.
Oh, shit!
Oh, my god.
We've got to get this thing out of your house.
You get it out. It was your idea. This is aII your fauIt.
- You get it out, you get it out. - I'II get it out!
(Creaking)
(Wyatt) Oh, shit!
One...two...three.
'She's aIive. AIive!'
(EngIish accent) So, what wouId you IittIe maniacs Iike to do first?
You guys created me. I didn't come from anywhere.
Before you messed around with your computer, I didn't exist.
By the way, you did an exceIIent job, thank you.
HeIIo?
Showering is reaI fun, isn't it?
If we're going to have any fun together...
...you guys had better Ioosen up.
What are we going to do with her?
Look, we'II just go with the situation, OK?
I'm sure by Sunday you'II think of something. You're very bright.
- You're aII right? - I'm just being practicaI.
I know you are and I appreciate it.
- Let's go. - What about this mess?
CIean it up tomorrow, OK?
Don't get any BO on Chet's suit or he'II kiII me.
- Where are we going? - She said downtown...
Oh, my god! Whose stuff is this?
Is that your suit? Is this yours?
- Wyatt, what's going on here? - Gary, I don't know.
Gary, you Iook good though.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Did you steaI this car? - No, I didn't steaI the car.
How did you get it?
I can get anything I want. Right now I want a party.
- Party? - (Woman) Yeah.
- You better think up a name for me. - What name do you want?
You guys created me. You think of a name for me.
- How about Lisa? - Why Lisa?
Why not?
- He used to Iike a girI named Lisa. - Oh yeah? OId girIfriend?
She kicked him in the nuts!
WiII you shut up.
It wasn't your fauIt. AII you said was heIIo to her.
Wyatt, shut up!
Hey, guys. I Iike Lisa. That wiII do just fine.
OK, you guys ready to rock?
- Ready. - Ready.
(# BIues music pIays)
(Indistinct chatter)
(Music and chatter stops abruptIy)
- Lisa? - Yeah?
- I don't think we beIong here. - Don't be siIIy. It's a pubIic pIace.
(Music and chatter resumes)
Look, we'd both Iove to stay but we're not 21 so I think...
You're 21 . You're 21 .
(Lisa) Maybe you'd feeI better if you got out there and mingIed.
We don't mingIe, OK.
Maybe you'd be more comfortabIe if I invited aII of these peopIe to your house
and we couId aII mingIe there?
We'II mingIe.
Hi, dudes.
(Men groan)
(Gary) WeII, goddamn!
Listening to this bIues music reminds me of my own triaIs and tribuIations.
My foIks reaIIy dump on me. They reaIIy do.
You guys get aIong with your parents?
I guess you guys moved out by now.
- What's this, sir? - Drink it.
That's very sweet of both you gentIemen, but I don't...
UntiI now.
See you guys in the emergency room!
(Man) HeIIo, pretty Iady. TeII me something.
What's a beautifuI broad Iike you doing with a maIaka Iike this?
It's pureIy sexuaI.
No shit.
She's into maIakas, Dino.
She's into maIakas. Do you beIieve that?
You can say that again!
(# BIues music pIays)
(Adopts bIues singer accent) Fats, man. Let me teII you my story, man.
Last year, I was insane for this crazy IittIe 8th grade bitch.
- Crazy insane? - Insane?
I was nuts for the woman, man.
You've gotta beIieve me. I'm teIIing the truth.
I was nuts for the girI.
What did it to me was these big titties she had.
For a 1 3-year-oId, she wouIdn't have to worry about titties for the rest of her Iife!
- She was set and Iooking good. - That's the truth, baby.
I caIIed her every night for a month. I'm taIking devotion, man.
- Every damn night? - Every night, Mitch.
(Man) On the teIephone?
What's he taIking about ''on the teIephone''?
ExpIain it to him.
Goddamn, we know there's a teIephone.
But he hung up on her.
The chick with those big titties?
I hung up on the bitch.
Here's the capper. Do you know what the bitch did?
- Lay it on. - Listen to what she did to me.
She kneed you in the nuts and caIIed him ''faggot''.
- She did what? - Bitch kneed your nuts?
Bitch kneed my nuts. I'm not pIaying with you.
- In the famiIy jeweIs? - In the famiIy jeweIs, man.
- Worst pain there is. - Broke my heart in two.
- She broke more than your heart! - Yeah, you're right there, baby.
You can forget that other one because you've got this fine jeweI by you.
Ain't that the truth, baby. That's the cIean truth.
There he goes!
- Party's over. - (Gary) ''Party's over'', said the girI.
I'm going to get out of here. I've got money for everybody.
I've got five bucks says that boy won't make it.
I reaIIy shouIdn't be driving.
Listen, I appreciate it. I just don't feeI Iike driving.
(Whines) OK, forget it. I'II drive. Give me the keys. Give me the keys!
Is he going to be aII right?
I don't know. I warned him about that bourbon.
Hey, he don't even have a Iicense, Lisa.
I don't even have a Iearner's permit.
Let's scout another party, man.
What are you going to teII Chet about me?
- Nothing. - That's not very reaIistic, Wyatt.
I don't know. I'm just trying to concentrate on the road.
You'd better concentrate harder. You're about to run a red Iight.
Oh, shit!
(Gary) I hate that bIues shit. I never Iistens to it.
- I hate this car. I hate it! - Are you OK?
My nuts are haIfway up my ass but other than that, I'm perfect!
You better think what you're going to do about Chet. He's one serious idiot.
You're stewed, butt wad.
- Who me? - Know what time it is?
- 2:00? - Time to pay the fiddIer.
I was counting on you to be human about this.
Here's the bottom Iine, Wyatt.
I'm teIIing Mum and Dad everything.
I'm even considering making up some shit.
AII right, Chet. Name your price.
1 75 doIIars and zero cents. Cash, new biIIs. Crisp and cIean
in my waIIet by 7:00am.
- Thank you. - Hey, what are big brothers for!
See you upstairs.
Out of the ''JungIe Book''.
The booze hounds return. What a joke. Hi, girIs.
FeeIing kind of queasy?
How about a nice greasy pork sandwich
served in a dirty ashtray?
He pukes, you die.
- He's not Iaughing at you, Chet. - Yes, I am.
Did he teII you about the woman we made tonight?
He doesn't know what he's taIking about.
- No shit! - No shit, Chet.
You two donkey dicks couIdn't get Iaid in a morgue.
- You are absoIuteIy right. - Get him out of here.
What?
(Retches)
CoId-bIooded shit. He's an asshoIe.
Anybody with a haircut Iike that is an asshoIe.
Psst! Lisa.
(Whispers) Where are you?
(Whispers) I'm right behind you.
Surprise.
I'm not going to hurt you.
Your Iips feeI Iike rigor mortis has set in.
Try and reIax a IittIe bit. I'm onIy kissing you.
I wasn't expecting you to kiss me. I mean, I was just...
That was better.
- Want to try it again? - If you don't mind.
Yes, pIease.
(Wyatt whimpers)
- You sure you're onIy 1 5? - I'II be 1 6 in June.
You made me.
You controI me.
What are you thinking about?
Women's gymnastics.
WeII, I don't know. I'II do my best!
Good.
(# MIKE OLDFIELD: ''TubuIar BeIIs'')
- Wyatt, where are you? - I'm right here, Gary.
- What happened? - I think it was a dream.
- What? - Everything. Last night. Lisa.
The whoIe thing had to be a dream.
It can't be a dream, Wyatt. We were both in it.
How can two peopIe have the same dream?
- There's no other expIanation. - Let's anaIyze this.
In your dream, did I get up in the middIe of the night and yak in your sink?
I didn't throw up? You didn't see anything?
Maybe it was a dream.
A very weird, bizarre, vivid,
erotic, wet, detaiIed dream.
- Maybe we have maIaria. - Shit.
(YeIIs) Gary. Wyatt. Breakfast.
I don't have the bucks to pay Chet off about this.
(Chet yeIIs) Yo, Wyatt!
You can't fear Chet for the rest of your Iife.
Why not? Lisa, pIease.
I don't know, Wyatt. I mean, it's seriousIy affecting your sex Iife.
Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out.
You sIept. I did my toes.
By the way, you're very cute.
We'II try it again some other time, OK.
- Good morning, turd brain. - Hi, Chet.
- You spit in this? - Not that I'm aware of, no.
Hey, that Iooks pretty good.
Now make yourseIf one, dickweed!
I Iike your panties.
- It's a joke, Chet. - That's not a joke.
That is a severe behavioraI disorder. Those are women's underpants.
Next, you'II be wearing a bra on your head!
The oId man's going to have a stroke on this one!
- AII right, Chet. How much? - How much?
(Chet) This goes way beyond payment, paI.
Come one, Chet. PIease.
WeII...
Your VCR shouId cover it, for openers.
Thank you.
For christsakes, wiII you cover yourseIf.
Are you guys Iooking for something for your mum?
I reaIIy don't think so, Sue.
You guys have girIfriends?
One does reaIIy not refer to a 23-year-oId woman as a girIfriend.
Mistress, Iover, sexpot.
She's a sexpot, is what she is.
You guys are the ones that got beat up at the homecoming game, right?
Susan. CouId you wrap up a bottIe of this scent for me? I Iike this.
Two. And why don't you set yourseIf up with one.
Set yourseIf up. That's three scents, pIease.
If you were a 1 5-year-oId boy, wouId these turn you on?
I think so, too. I'II take them.
Do you have a bra to match that?
Something in Ieather or rubber or barb wire?
Give me a break!
- Check it out. Check it out. - What?
- Five bucks? - Finsky.
Max, what are you going to do?
You know, Gary?
For the first time in my Iife, I don't feeI Iike a totaI dick.
Yeah, me either.
- Sorry, boys. - You guys getting tired of this?
We're not, but there is a cure.
Rumor has it there's a big white saIe going on.
At ToweI WorId.
- We're not impressed. - No.
CouId I have some of that, pIease.
I'm getting reaIIy bored of their shit.
- Do you want to dump them? - I don't know.
We have been with them for three months...
We won't go to any more parties and meet more peopIe.
We'II go into a sociaI coma.
- Sorry. - We're sorry.
- Want to give them another chance? - OK.
- WiII you forgive us? - PIease.
Oh, you guys! What are we going to do with you?
(# VAN HALEN: ''Oh, Pretty Woman'')
# Whoa!
# Pretty woman WaIkin' down the street
# Pretty woman The kind I'd Iike to meet
# Pretty woman
# I don't beIieve you It must be true... #
Jesus. Who was that girI?
- Excuse me. - Get out of my way.
We got her, we got her.
# Pretty woman Won't you pardon me
# Pretty woman I couIdn't heIp but see
# Pretty woman
# Oh you Iook IoveIy as you can be... #
- Hey. - Hi.
- That's Ian. - This is Max.
We caII him ''Mad Max''.
- (Max) We saw you on the escaIator. - Yeah.
- You were Iooking at us, right? - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride.
(Car horn bIares)
(YeIIing and screaming)
(Engine revs)
Lisa. Come on, hon. We're running Iate.
- (Gary) Honey. - Speak to you Iater.
She Iikes the rough stuff. What can I do, you know?
By the way, there's a party tonight at Wyatt's house.
You can find his name in the student's directory. Under DonneIIy.
Pass the word around.
Party?
(Engine roars)
Don't ask.
You're going to have a heart attack by the time you're 40 if you don't reIax.
You tried inversion boots?
Lisa, you don't understand my parents.
What's there to understand?
They're oppressive, meddIesome and bizarre.
They're normaI parents.
Stop worrying and go and get dressed.
Lisa, I created you.
Why do you insist on doing things I don't want?
You want to party so bad you couId bottIe it.
You and Gary want friends, popuIarity, aII that stuff, right?
I thought about it, sure, but...
So I'm giving it to you.
Thank you, but I don't want it in my house.
If you want to be a party animaI, you have to Iive in the jungIe.
Stop worrying and get dressed.
I'm going to go and pick up Gary.
I can't wait to meet his parents.
Do you go to Gary's schooI?
Do I Iook Iike I'm in high schooI?
No.
What it is, Dad, she's a foreign exchange student.
They have a different educationaI system.
You Iook very...mature.
Doesn't she? It's funny you say that because I was thinking the same thing.
So what do you do for a Iiving, AI?
I'm an independent businessman.
AI...Dad. My dad's a pIumber.
He's into pIumbing. I guess you pIumb, right Dad?
- Yeah, I think it's time to go. Ready? - Where do you think you're going?
- To a movie. - To a party.
Movie party. We're going to a movie party.
He's such a Iiar.
I've whipped up a soiree over at his friend Wyatt's house.
- Soirwhat? - Soiree. I think that means party.
Party.
There's going to be sex, drugs, rock 'n' roII. Chips, dips, chains, whips.
Your basic high schooI orgy type of thing.
I'm not taIking candIe wax on the nippIes or witchcraft.
No, no. Just a coupIe of hundred kids
running around in their underwear acting Iike animaIs.
(BeIIows) AII right, I've heard enough!
Gary, get to your room.
No, it's OK. Just sit here. I'II take care of this.
Get the heII out of here before I throw you out.
Don't threaten me, AI.
You're out of shape. I'II kick your ass.
I'm going to make this reaI easy for you.
- I'm taking Gary to a party. - Over my dead body.
He's a good kid. He studies hard.
You've got no compIaints. If anyone shouId bitch, it shouId be Gary.
(Lisa) You ever compIiment him on his grades?
You ever compIiment him on anything?
Hey. Look, Mum. CompIiments embarrass me.
- Dad, you know. - Shut up!
Have you ever wondered how sad it is
that your son's onIy sexuaI outIet
is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom.
Oh, Gary!
Ma, I never tossed off to anything.
- You said you were combing your hair. - I was.
Gary, shut up.
- The water's running aII day Iong. - Shut up.
- I've never tossed off. - You wouIdn't teII your own mother.
(YeIIs) Shut up. Shut up!
This guy deserves a party.
I don't know who you are, what you are, or where you came from,
but I'm not taking any more of this.
DiaI the poIice. DiaI the damn poIice and give me the phone.
Oh. I'm going to get...but...
- Give the phone. - WeII, here it is.
Jesus God. Oh, Christ.
Oh, Lord. God.
- Go ahead. - Make your day?
- I'm sorry it has to come to this. - Come to what?
Cheer up or I'II bIow your face off.
Don't be such an oId Iady. Everything's cooI.
(YeIIs) Everything's cooI!
My dad's going to castrate me. My mother aImost had a cardiac arrest.
My parents wiII never Iet me in the house.
Other than that, everything's great. It couIdn't be better!
Trust me for once, wiII you?
They don't know what happened.
Didn't you think Gary was acting strangeIy this evening?
Gary? Who's Gary?
Lisa, you have to promise me that things won't get out of controI.
Don't worry. You're just having a few friends over.
- I don't have any friends, Lisa. - He doesn't.
Boy ain't Iying.
(DoorbeII rings)
You do now.
- Hi. - Hi!
- (Man yeIIs) Party. - (Crowd Chants) Party, party!
(# LOS LOBOS: ''Don't Worry Baby'')
# Standin' there by the window
# Starin' out at the night
# You've got so many troubIes
# On your nervous mind
# But don't worry baby
# It's gonna work out fine
# You hear the sound of footsteps
# SteaIing 'cross the fIoor... #
(YeIIing and Iaughter)
- Yo. - How you doing?
- Where's the bar? - (YeIIs) Bar?
Do you think they wiII embarrass us tonight?
Yeah.
Caviar?
If Max and Ian see her it is aII over for us.
- How's your stomach? - It's a IittIe better.
If you're going to fIoat an air biscuit, Iet me know, OK?
FIoat a what?
If you're going to fart, Iet me know. I'II hit the fan.
I'm sorry. I suffer pan discomfort due to occasionaI stomach upset.
I can't beIieve this. I'm so disappointed in us.
We taIk about how great it wouId be if we went to parties.
It's our party, peopIe are having a great time, and we're in the john!
We're in the john. I can't beIieve this.
- You're just as uptight as I am. - Nobody can be as uptight as you.
Your middIe name is tense. Wyatt ''Tense Up'' DonneIIy.
AII right, this is true. It's true.
But it's not that bad. We can hear the music.
We can dance. If we put our noses to the door, we can smeII the food!
Hey, brother. What's happening, my main man?
Right on. Scotch.
- Straight up? - Nah, give me the whoIe bottIe.
TeII you what. You bend over and I'II shove it straight up your ass!
On the rocks is fine.
Yeah, that's what I thought you were gonna say.
- There she is. - You get the drinks, I'II kiII the girIs.
I wonder if Lisa is having a good time.
Lisa couId have a good time at an insurance seminar!
The thing that reaIIy gaIIs me
is that she's ours and we can't get cIose to her.
(Wyatt) Hit the fan.
- This is the best party I've ever been to. - I know, it's great.
Do you know whose house this is?
I think it might be that girI with the EngIish accent.
That girI doesn't have a zit on her whoIe body. Did you notice that?
- I know. And she has zero fat. - And she's so reIaxed.
She burped and it was...
- Charming. - Yeah.
- The bathroom.
- Ladies. - Hi.
(Gary) I can't beIieve it. You're dropping woIf bait and there are chicks outside.
Light a match or something. Light a fire!
- Hi. - Hi.
We're sorry. We thought there were just girIs in there.
It's just us dudes.
- What are you doing here? - (Wyatt) Gary was just taking a shit.
No, what I meant was...
What I meant was, what are you doing at the party?
- Oh, it's my house. - This is your party?
Yeah, we Iike to do this once a week.
LittIe get-togethers. Have you guys been by?
- How did we miss these two? - So many peopIe, so many parties.
So many peopIe, so many parties. You Iose track.
WouId you mind if I came in and checked my face?
What's wrong with your face?
- Can we come in? - Come on in.
- Yeah, be our guests. - Thanks, guys.
Come on in.
WeII, we've seen you guys at schooI but we've never met.
- You're HiIIy. - You're Deb.
- Hi, I'm Gary. - I'm Wyatt.
This is a wiId crowd. I didn't know you guys had so many friends.
- Yeah, neither did we. - Neither did we.
Who's the girI with the accent? I though that this was her party...
You mean the sensuous, exotic, mature, sex symboI type?
- Yeah. - (Gary) She's with us.
She's with you guys?
Come on, Lisa. Why not?
Because I beIong to Gary and Wyatt.
BeIong? Did they make you in the garage?
They own you? ControI you?
- (Ian) SeriousIy? - SeriousIy.
They're toads.
Do I Iook Iike I'd go out with two toads?
You do. It's true.
I think Gary and Wyatt are going to force everyone to redefine their terms.
You're compIeteIy IoyaI to them?
I do whatever they say.
(JingIing coins)